Exposing Male Violence Against Lesbians

37. Anonymous 26/10/2021

I am a lesbian & biological woman & am only attracted to other biological women. I have never slept or dated a man. Now I am in a relationship, but when I was single I was dating on ok Cupid. I was talking with who I was lead to believe was a biological woman - there were some pictures and she looked female and attractive, although they were heavily filtered. I had a paragraph on my profile stating I was only interested in biological women & I also mentioned this three times over the weeks we spoke. I disclosed this information as I had been "catfished" by a transwoman in the past and didn't want it to happen again, plus I didn't want to waste anyone's time or lead anyone on. Finally we agreed to meet up. When we met it was immediately obvious that this was a biological male (transwoman). We met in a bar but the only way to/from the location was via a dark, hidden alley. When we met the conversation was immediately very sexual and I felt very uncomfortable. As the date went on he drank more and more and became very touchy, touching my leg every now and then. I stayed for 2 hours, mostly because I felt obligated to as he kept pressuring me & guilt tripping me when I would make steps to leave. He would say how he is always rejected on his dates and how this would hurt him. He said that he often thought about killing himself because women were so discriminatory & sometimes downright horrible towards him. Finally I was able to leave but he walked with me through the dark alley. At that point he tried to kiss me - I laughed and said I was shy and it was too soon (really I was terrified and not interested). He agreed to let me go home only on the condition we meet again and he take my phone number. I agreed and he let me leave. The whole time I was worried about being raped as the alley was very deserted, he was at least 6 ft tall and he was also intoxicated. Once I was home I realised I didn't have my purse with my passport (ID), car keys and other things. I called the bar but no one had handed it in. I texted my date and he said he had picked it up and would give it to me next time we met up. I then felt as though I had no choice but to meet with him. On top of this, my friends who I talk with regularly about my love life, dates etc were pushing me to give him a chance. They said he seemed like a nice "woman" and had probably had a really tough time dating due to transphobia. They said that I was looking for a good, employed woman who wanted a relationship (this is true) and that here she was, and why would I throw this away? I could be happy with her. It really messed with my head I felt I had to continue the dating. I agreed to meet with him again but he said he only wanted to meet at his flat as he felt uncomfortable at the pub we were at and felt people were staring. He said he had a class at 3pm and we could meet at 1. I know it was very stupid to do but I agreed to meet with him. Mainly I didn't want to upset or hurt him and wanted to let him down gently as what my friends said had really gotten to me - I didn't want to dump him via text which my friends had told me would be incredibly hurtful and callous. Plus I did need my purse back. I went to his flat (which was very close to my own) and made small talk and agreed to a glass of wine although I didn't drink any. He put some music on and then immediately started touching my leg and arms. Everytime I would move away he would move closer. He steered the conversation in a very sexual direction and every time I would try to change the topic to something else he would bring it back to a sexual tone. I could see he was getting frustrated that I wasn't reciprocating and he started making "jokes" about me being a prude, stuck up and hard to get. The whole time I was terrified of being raped because there was no one else in the flat. At some point he excused himself to the toilet and as soon as he had left the room I ran out of the flat and took a bus home. He didn't follow me and he still had my purse (I never asked for it back. I ended up cancelling all my cards, replacing my passport and cutting new keys for my car). Once I was home he sent me a barrage of abusive texts mostly guilt tripping me about leading him on. He texted me multiple times a day for the next week asking to meet, asking which (commuter) train I was getting, asking me if I wanted to go to dinner etc. I agreed with my boss to work at an alternative office 50 miles in the opposite direction (an extra hour commuting) because I was terrified of seeing him on my commuter train. I never replied and after a week or so he stopped. When I confided in my friends they turned against me - one who I considered a best friend told me I was wrong to "ghost" him and that as a black woman I of all people should know about discrimination and that I should be ashamed of myself. Another told me outright that I was lying with the sole intention of vilifying trans people and that this never happened. My own mother told me she felt I was a bit harsh in how I handled the situation. It left me with a deep trauma and I found it very hard to date for a long time. When I tried online dating again I was so scared that I would ruthlessly vet every woman for months before agreeing to meet. I would ask for proof they were a biological woman (childhood photos, birth certificate) and I would quiz them endlessly. I had a checklist of about twenty red flags that each date had to pass before i would meet. As you can imagine most would give up after a few days or weeks or would call me crazy. I felt very lonely. Despite all this, I was still tricked AGAIN into meeting a transwoman but this time i had the strength to make my excuses and leave immediately. I finally met my current girlfriend offline but what is hurtful is that even she believes how I acted was wrong. I really feel alone in my trauma. I am considering therapy but I am worried about the therapist also telling me I was wrong.